Damaged goods...

I overheard one of our clients refer to himself as "Damaged goods" because he has a mental illness. I can't tell you how sad that made me.

Think of yourself on an average day...
Maybe you get up, get some breakfast, get the kids off to school, get ready for work, take on whatever the work day brings you, a yelling boss, a disgruntled customer, a co-worker in a bad mood. You have expectations put on you. Whatever it is you do, you have to produce. Then you go home. You may have to stop and pick up a gallon of milk or a loaf of bread. Then you pick up your kids and the teacher tells you how their day went. You get home, make dinner, clean up. Watch some tv, maybe? Pay some bills?

Now think of yourself on an average day with schizophrenia...and your voices...
Maybe you get up ("you lazy son of a bitch, you're worthless") get some breakfast ("you don't deserve to eat, you piece of crap!") get the kids off to school ("they hate you, they've always hated you, you're a piece of shit!") get ready for work ("failure!! you're a screw up!! you can't do anything!!") take on whatever the work day brings you ("how can you possibly think you can do this!! you're an idiot!! STUPID ASS!!") a yelling boss ("worthless!! no one needs you here!!! IMBECILE!!!") a disgruntled customer ("I told you you would fail, ASS!! You smell, you're stupid, they'd be better off without you, you should just die!!!") a co-worker in a bad mood (EVERYONE HATES YOU, JUST DIE!!!"). You have expectations put on you. Whatever it is you do, you have to produce. ("You should just kill yourself. Go ahead. Everyone would be better off without you!!")

You get the picture. Try recording your family or friends shouting those things on a loop. Then put the ear buds in your ears and go to the grocery store and try to buy a gallon of milk. It's almost impossible to think. It can even effect your ability to walk straight or go up a single stair.

My point is this, everyday I see people living with mental illness. They're trying to maintain a job, keep their family together, or just have one friend they can trust. They have to maneuver through each day hearing or seeing things only they can see or hear. They have to take medications that add weight, make them impotent, make them drowsy, make their food taste bad, decreases their sex drive, their appetite or increases those thing which has a whole different effect on their lives. Their families don't always understand it and want them to "snap out of it". They often choose to not have friends or socialize because it's too difficult. They persevere, fail, bounce back and try again...and again... and again.

I don't see them as damaged goods. I see them as champions. I know I couldn't do it. Could you?

A brief pause...and is that a tiny bit of light I see at the end of this tunnel?

Clearly, I haven't written anything in my blog for a while now. I guess I was on a bit of self imposed hiatus. You see, as my last blog entry stated, these days I'm a tad conflicted about my job. I would like to say that it's gotten so much better by now but, truth is, there are aspects of it I hate and probably always will. That said, there has also been some things happening that have started to remind me why I do what I do.

Though the supervisory portion of my job is still undefined I have no idea yet what it is I am expected to do. But I am also case managing a small handful of people which is the first time in a long time I have been directly responsible for those duties. What I'm discovering is just how much I missed that intense client contact. I've really been enjoying working with the people on my case list and, I have to say, it's been a real bright spot in all of this.

The other day I was going through some old papers in my desk and I came across some essays I wrote a long time ago. They were all stories of the personal strengths and triumphs of some of my past clients. I re-read them and started to remember why I love being a social worker. I started to remember how truly determined most people are and how, in spite of being dealt a pretty crappy hand, most people, even those with mental illness, AODA issues, or disabilities, take that hand and make the best of it. And sometimes they even win the game.

I'm going to share some of those stories here in my blog. (With the names changed for reasons of confidentiality!) Maybe if I share them with you (my loyal few! haha!) I'll start believing again that what I do has worth and meaning and I can get back to that feeling each day. If I can get that back then this new job is going to be aces.

Procrastinating...with a purpose....

I've been putting off writing in my blog. I've been trying to write something about my new job but after one week I really don't have much to say. Let's just say, I'm not thrilled with it. I guess I'm grateful to have a job but what the heck does that really mean? We should all just bear down and tough it out and be miserable yet somehow grateful? Weird.

I feel at a loss to know what the heck happened in my life here. I mean, for the past 16 years, I've been doing exactly what I loved and am really good at and then one day that all got taken away from me and now I'm being told, by my employer, that because of that 16 years I am valuable and they need my input but no one has yet to ask for that input and the one time I just offered some input I was told I was being resistive. Sheesh...

I worked myself up into such a stressbot this week I actually got sick and couldn't go into work on Friday. I think I'll start looking around again. I just don't know if I can stick with this. I've never felt less enthusiastic about anything in my life...including root canal.

More time of indecision...

These days all I have on my mind is my job or, rather, what job I might have in a month and a half. So here's what's been offered so far...

The agency is starting up a new program which is a case management program for people with severe and persistent mental illness. This is a target group I am well familiar with and a program I could supervise in my sleep. BUT...they have decided to go with someone else at the helm which both perplexes me and angers me. I was offered a made up position of middle management running a couple of small programs that pretty much have been running themselves without any management at all for the past several years. It was a poor attempt at giving me something to do. Could I do it? Sure...easily. Do I want to? NO! There is no challenge there and I would not be using my skills to their best ability. While I appreciate the gesture, it's a lame gesture.

What gets me most is that I have all of the qualifications for the other position and the experience to boot yet I am simply being overlooked without even a chance to argue my case for them allowing me to do it. And that pisses me off more than I can say. When I get angry, I cry. I've always done this and it makes me even more angry because crying seems weak and when I'm angry I don't feel weak, I feel enraged! I wish I could just let them have it but instead I well up with tears and sniffle. So lame!

I have been told by our administration that I have excellent written communication skills yet they haven't offered me anything where that might be used. They also told me that I was a strong supervisor and that they never would have taken on case management without my knowledge and gumption yet they haven't offered me anything in a case management field. Case management is what I know and love and what I want to do. I will not waste my time and talent "filling a space" that they just need filled if it is a space that will not keep me active and moving forward in my career.

So...the decision is, there is no decision. I put it all back on their table with a written proposal and listing of my qualifications. We'll see where it goes from here. We'll see....