What do you want out of life?

This week here in Kenosha, we are mourning the loss of one of our finest. Officer Craig Birkholz was killed in the line of duty. He was buried today. The reason I'm mentioning this is because today, as I was driving home from dropping Alex off in Milwaukee, I was diverted from my usual route because there was blocked traffic near the entrance to the cemetery. As I took the alternate route, I saw two ladder trucks had crossed their elevated ladders in tribute and Highway 142 was now a parking lot of police and fire service vehicles. It was a dramatic and touching sight.

But the real reason I mention all of this is because whenever I hear that someone is cut down in their prime I start to thinking about my own life. I wonder, am I doing all that I had hoped to be doing? Am I where I thought I would be? What do I want out of life?

Overall, I think I'm easy to please. Sure, I've had big hopes and dreams at times in my life. Haven't we all wanted to be a star at some point? Some kind of expert, the person everyone looks to for the answers? Or someone everyone knows? We all have fleeting moments of fame-envy but, truthfully, and possibly thankfully, they pass! In my life, I have acted professionally and loved it. I would love to get back into that at some point, if even on the local level. Acting is cathartic. I get to be other people for a couple of hours and make other people really believe it! When I do it right, there is not another feeling like it in the world. I've also been a singer and still sing once in a while. I love that too and I need to do more of it. I also write. This blog, short stories, poems, and the like. I have always done that. Sometimes it's the only way I can get my feelings out. And I draw. Sketching is fun, and relaxing.
But that surely can't be all that I want out of life.

When I look at the daily things in my life, I know that in many ways I am blessed. Sure, our little apartment is LITTLE but we're also located right on Lake Michigan and the view just couldn't be better. We also pay so little for our rent. My sister is our land lady and she hasn't raised my rent in years! I have a great family. We're so close. Talk all the time and have dinner together every Friday. I know they love me for me. And I know I have the best husband in the world. I won't elaborate on that because I know he reads this blog and it would embarrass him!

So here's what I want out of life. I want to be able to pursue those things I enjoy for a very long time. I want to live within my means but have enough to get out and do the fun stuff when I want to do it! I want to travel. I want to always let those I love know how much they mean to me. I want a dog. I want to lost more weight. I want to feel happiness on it's deepest level and always be able to share it with my man.

And there's more. I want all of you to have what you want in life too. Because if I were to get what I want and see that you did not, I couldn't, in good conscience, enjoy one minute of it. Happy days, people! With lots of love.

What I saw today...

My mother has now been moved to a local nursing home for rehab. At least she is closer to home.

I was there today visiting her with my sister. While we were there, my niece came in to visit too. She's 6 months pregnant. I sat there for a time watching my mom, my sister and my sister's daughter talking and laughing. My niece carrying the next generation in her womb. It was a beautiful sight.

The fact that life, in it's best and worst, goes on, was not lost on me. It was there from start to finish, today, at Brookside Nursing Home. My mom, so near the end, enjoying a smile with her daughter - at the middle of her life - and grand daughter who is carrying new life with in her.

This is the way it is, isn't it? We're born, we live, we touch lives, we have families, we age, and we hope that when we're at our own end, there is a smile and the hope of new birth. That's what I saw today.

New Year's Resolutions...

Normally, I never make New Year's Resolutions because, normally, I never keep them. But I'm feeling optimistic for this new year so I decided to make a couple for myself and see what happens. Here they are:

1. Lose weight. This is on my A-list of things to do all the time. I have been losing weight, a pound or two, at a time but now it's time to get serious and conquer this bulge once and for all. Besides, since Alex arrived I have been eating everything in sight and I feel bloated and out of control. Not good...

2. Be a peaceful person. I want to remind myself to step back and breathe in any situation that would make me a little crazy and over reactive. I have a load of stuff that needs to get done this year and I need to approach each thing with a level head and a peaceful demeanor.

3. Learn something. I want to learn to speak Swedish...fluently. So far, it's been hit or miss. I have to buckle down and do it.

That's it. I'm not going to over do it. Three is about all I can handle and I'm sure even with only three one or more of these will fall by the wayside! But for right now, at this very moment, I am determined. (Can't you see the look in my eyes? LOL )

A change is coming...

This morning I woke up sneezing and blowing my nose. Ah, fall allergies are so wonderful. I put my face on and went off to work thinking I looked okay. So far four people have stopped and asked me "Are you alright?" I checked myself in the ladies room mirror. Yeah...apparently the sleep gnomes came in my room last night and beat the hell outta me.

So, work...

Since it's Thursday, which is one day from Friday, which is one day from the weekend, I'm not going to bitch...much. Suffice it to say, I made it through, things got done, so it goes.

So, life...

Distance from someone you love is the one of the hardest things to bear on a daily basis. Oh I know, this will all get better and has gotten better but, all things considered, I'd rather be in Sweden. I get impatient. I get lonely. I get restless. But, I am loved. So I holding onto that gets me through.

So, money...

Anyone have any just laying around they'd like to get rid of? Let me know! I have a hard time being rational when I listen to the news and the $700 million bail out proposal which suddenly has become all of our problem. Managing my own pittance makes me angry at those who are supposedly the experts who mismanaged this so badly.
So, the bail out would mean that my children's children's children will now have to figure this out sometime in their lives. Also, I got my Social Security statement yesterday. You know the one they send telling you if you retire at such and such an age you'll get this or that amount each month? Yeah...I have to work til I die.

Losing sight of the big picture...

I found myself today getting bogged down in the tiny irritating details that sometimes comprises my work day. It doesn't help that it's unbelievably beautiful outside right now and I'm having one of those anywhere but here moments. Of course, my personal "anywhere but here" would be Sweden and for the last two days I've been getting glimpses of that wonderland over and over again. Case in point, last night before I went to bed I was channel surfing and came across a travel show which happened to be about Stockholm. I stopped and felt sorry for myself as the hostess wandered the streets of that fair city and, it turns out, pointed out all of the places I have been. I longed to be there again. Today, when I checked my mail at work, a Community of Sweden buddy of mine had sent me a copy of the Swedish Press. Again, I felt that twinge of just wanting to be there. Then there was the sweet picture Alex sent me of some lammies in a field that he was walking past. Instant homesickness for a home I haven't even had yet.

Then, of course, there's work and all those irritations - the never ending paperwork, the calls, the questions, the meetings. One by one, they mounted up and the combination of that with my yearning to be elsewhere started to get me down. But (and it's a big but!) I know that the short term and long range plans are in motion and I have to remind myself to keep my sights steadily gazing on the big picture. I know that it will all come to me in time and I have to BE PATIENT! I think I'm going to make a sign for myself that says that. BE PATIENT!

I've been on a pretty damn interesting journey these past two years - a journey of self discovery, self realization and emotional ups and downs. And in the end, I know that I am headed to where I am meant to be - forever. So, I must BE PATIENT! If only for just a little more.

You know, on second thought...

I'm not doing too bad. I mean, yes, I'm a bit sad what with Alex now back in Sweden and all but, for very good reason, I'm surprisingly content and feeling excited about what is to come. Because we have solid plans and confirmed our commitment to one another this temporary separation just doesn't feel so final as it did all the other times. So, I'm smiling alot today in spite of having had to return to work and get on with the yuckiness of all that.

Speaking of getting back to work, it was not at all surprising that absolutely nothing had changed in all that time I was off. People were still complaining about the same things, laughing at the same jokes, gossiping about the same people. I suppose there should be some comfort in the fact that, if nothing else, it is consistent. But, honestly, I found it tedious and typical. I really have to think on what to do about that...

But for now, AHHH life is really good. I can deal with work and handle what it throws my way. I have someone wonderful in my life and together we are going to have one hell of a great life! So cheers my dears! :)

G is for Goodbye...

Alex is leaving tomorrow. I can only describe what I feel about that as a constant sucking in of my breath so as not to succumb to total sadness while he's still here. I'm finding melancholia in every moment and that's not good. I have to stop and enjoy these final hours we have together.

Last night was so good. We took the time to really talk through our plans and it was so good to know that he and I have been thinking along the same lines and are committed to the same things. If I don't hear that once in a while, the foolish doubtful inside of me starts to make me wonder. But now I know. Well, I always knew that he loved me and wants to have a life with me. But now we have affirmed that with each other and that will make all that we have to do between now and next year so worth it!

So, yeah, I'll be very sad tomorrow. But life is good. And when you know there is one person in all the world who loves you for who you are and sometimes in spite of who you are, life is fucking great!

Nothing like a crack to the head to make you think...

I had a long talk with my brother today. He's still recuperating from his accident. My relationship with my brother is good but I can't remember a time when he and I ever had a serious conversation about anything. Tonight we were talking about his accident. He's still extremely sore, can't sleep lying down because of the pain, and just found out that he does, indeed, have a few fractured ribs which they didn't find until today. The space from his hips to his head is terribly bruised from the impact and his head still throbs and he suffers from an almost constant headache from the serious whack to the windshield he had with his melon.

As he was telling me about this whole experience and recounting seeing what remains of his car, his eyes welled with tears and he told me that what really bothers him about the accident is the complete loss of any memory of it. He says that all he can remember from that whole day was leaving his drive way for work and then later, much later, being unbuckled from the stretcher in the hospital. He told me that for the rest of that day as the doctors tested and scanned and poked and prodded him he just quietly let them do whatever they needed to do and didn't say much to them. He said this was because he couldn't remember anything that he was afraid that he had had a stroke and caused the accident. Even though people around him were telling him that he was the one who was hit, he was still afraid that he had caused this. He couldn't resign himself to that because he couldn't understand why he couldn't remember anything. The Sheriff Deputy who was on the scene of the accident stopped by his hospital room late that night and showed him the accident report and explained to him what had happened. There were two witnesses who gave written statements as to what they had seen and it was only after seeing that and hearing the Deputy that my brother could rest. He ended this conversation quietly saying that he has to get his personal affairs in order because he's realized that life is very tenuous and, just like that, it can be gone.

I think we all live knowing that, of course, one day we will die. It's inevitable. But we don't think that it will happen suddenly and take us before our time. When my father died I remember thinking that he was taken too soon. Even though he was in his 70's and I was well into my 20's, I just felt cheated. I felt that I still didn't have enough time with him. Is there ever really enough time?

All of this got me thinking about those times when I stress about things that I cannot control or complain about some little annoyance that, at the time, consumes me. After speaking with my bro, I realize how silly that is and how precious each moment we have together is and how we all need to teach ourselves again how to be present in the moments of our life and not let outside annoyances take those away.

That long line at the post office, the 30 minutes the cable company puts you on hold, the automated phone answering service that keeps telling you to press one, the rising price of gasoline, the traffic jam, the telemarketer calling, whatever...are all just things that happen and really aren't worth getting worked up about. Life too precious, too valuable and always way too short.